I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
