Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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