He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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