Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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