I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
