I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
