I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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