Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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