Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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