Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
