i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
