You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
