Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
