the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
