How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
