About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
