I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
