True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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