I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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