you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
