i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
