I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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