I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
