my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize