I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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