so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
