On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
