why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
