He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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