Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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