When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
