Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
