someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
