haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
