Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
