just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
