i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
