My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Sober January is a disaster.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
