we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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