Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
