My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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