I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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