i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
