I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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