Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
