i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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