I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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