he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
