just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
