I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
