I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
