captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
